Two months since Christmas and it seems like a year ago already.
Things have moved on in good ways and bad.
My knee is making a wonderful recovery, thanks to a series of exercises I found on the Net. It has been painful and at times I thought I was doing more damage but the aim was to muscle build. It seems the muscle tension that holds the knee in place can be lost very quickly after an injury. Well I'm almost walking normally again with NO pain But I cannot see myself running ever again, there seems to be damage that will never get that better.
Liz has been to Sheffield hospital to see the Radiologists that carry out Gama Knife surgery. They want to operate on the brain growth that causes most of her attacks ASAP. She has reached a point where real damage is being done. That and our quality of life has hit rock bottom Her daily attacks are preventing us from planning any kind of enjoyment. So we await a phone call to say they will be sending a car to take us back.
They have made it clear that it is not possible to remove the whole growth as that would cause brain damage but there is a 75% chance of an improved life for a few years
Her nose is also still giving her terrible pain (another result of having severe Epilepsy and falling so much. We will be going to hospital for that too soon.
My son Jason is going to get married to his Partner Daz in a private ceremony on 7th July. We are not invited. There will just be them and 2 close friends. They do not want to make this a big deal. I feel I will be missing out but respect his wishes. We have missed out on many aspects of having a child as they grow up. Such is the nature of being a gay person. So long as he is happy. He knows he has our full backing.
Now the bad news. .. My mother has Vascular Dementia. I have known for almost 2 years but getting a diagnosis is very hard when the person involved denies anything is wrong I had to wait till I got her into her new home and use that as an excuse to say it was a health assessment
More bad news for my mother. She is already deaf and I thought she was getting cataracts so i dragged her to the hospital (I'm SICK SICK SICK of hospitals) She is much worse than i thought and has a degenerative eye condition that cannot be cured. Sigh... Well she is 91 now and her memory loss means she is never sure what is wrong as she does not remember my explanations...
The doctor who visited Yesterday about her dementia said she was living in a great place and I had done well to pre empt her condition causing her more worry. Her moods are well balanced and she is not getting depressed so that is half the battle.
I get upset myself at times, I seem to be caught in the middle of two people that need all my time. You know when that happens you seem to ignore your own needs. I realised this recently. I would dearly love to go on some short trips with Liz but her attacks would make this difficult, that and her bullous pemphigoid (skin condition) that means she has to have cotton sheets, Most hotels and apartments seem to avoid them and opt for man made types that would cause her havoc!
I look forward to Summer and plan to get a wheel chair to get my mother to the coast. Liz will be a bit put out but I don't have that much time left with my mother so tough.
Here's hoping Liz's operation helps........ Life goes on...
The Tree is up the wreath is on the door I will be going to my mums to turn her Apartment into Santa's grotty grotto
She is losing her sight as well now but cannot be seen by the specialists till next year. I suppose at 91 she is slipping down the priority list
She does not want to come to our place on Christmas day and we have a full calendar, so she will be getting her visit a day early. It will probably not matter as she never knows what day it is.
Liz is suffering greatly with her Epilepsy just now. 45 attacks in November. A record for her. We suspect the growth in her brain is the main cause but we have heard nothing about any treatment yet.
She has fallen a couple of times and has a bad back leg and now her nose is getting in on the act. She has a constant pain on the left side high up where the main nasal bone is. I think it's an infection. Pain killers do not help and she has to wait till Wednesday next week to see doctor. To top it off she was eating a few dats ago and one of her fillings broke. I walked to the dentist to make an apt for her and was shocked to be told. They could not fix it till next week also.
So getting ready for Christmas has become a full on medical situation.
I have a knee injury myself but can manage to hobble around. I think my old ligament injury is turning to arthritis. Time will tell.
Any good news??? Thinks hard......
My son and his partner had a great cruising holiday in the Med this summer. It looked fantastic!... They enjoyed it so much the have booked a Baltic Cruise for next year already!! They also have a great house in a place called Didsbury now and love it. Oh to be young again!!
We cannot really make plans like that until we know what they are doing with Liz, so we will book a cottage in Whitby again for a break. That way if we have to cancel we will not lose too much.
We had an unusually wonderful sunny and very warm day this 19th of March 2015.
Liz went off to the church Thursday powwow time.. Chat chat let's make a rumour time. Lives can be made or destroyed
I threw of my Winter woollies tossed my shirt aside, donned a T shirt and dived into the task off removing the winter moss from the block paved front garden.
The sun beat down relentless and nice and hot. It was glorious!
Iced coffee to hand I toiled on Breaking for occasional sips. Tis during a sip I noticed the advanced infiltration troops. Crouching behind a weed I made my observations.
They scuttled along well prepared routes uncomfortably close to my kitchen door.
I mean... MARCH! Howay Man (Look it up). Not fair!
They seemed to be crowding around an old haunt of theirs long since blocked up, yet somehow they were finding ways of going to ground.
Much spraying of white powder later the ant's did a runner.
"Yeah go on fun for the hill's" I shouted as they retreated into the distance (well the next garden). For some reason I drew strange looks from two attractive dog walkers of the female variety suitably dressed for the unusual warm weather. It could have been my angry shaking of my fist at the grass that looked a little funny.
Liz came home to a swept garden. "You were spotted working," she said. "One of the other women asked if it was my husband doing the garden."
"Yeah that will be him she replied. Ooo you have a handsome husband!" She commented. (I'm in there.)..
After 8 years of being told I had IBS and just to watch what I ate I pushed the point by going back to the doctors 5 times in 5 months.
I had my reasons, you know your own body and how it performs, Mine was not performing well. In fact it was worrying me.
4 times 3 doctors fobbed me off with Poo Poo's and don't worries. Eventually the 5th visit paid off and he said he would arrange a consultation at the Endoscopy unit. It only took a couple of weeks and they were phoning me up for an appointment to carry out a sigmoidoscopy.
It is only the short device and makes interesting veiwing.
I diagnosed my problem myself in the first few minutes, I have Ulcerative Colitis. The surgeon picked out a couple more of things he wanted to investigate further and took samples.
It took me 48 hours to get over the pain. In this Neanderthal country they still use old fashioned air to inflate you like a balloon. This aggravates me more than some. At the follow up appointment a few weeks later he confirmed what I had thought and prescribed me a wonderful drug that really works well.
Then he suggested a full colonoscopy to check things thoroughly. The pain after the previous procedure came flooding back and I refused, explaining in detail to him that although I can bear the actual event the after effects are not something I cared to deal with. Especially as there would be 3xmore and minor surgery as well.
He was a bit annoyed and eventually suggested a cat-scan type colostomy.
I said again that it was the air that caused me the pain. Only to be told they use Carbon Dioxide which is absorbed by the body.
So I suggested they do the main procedure using Carbon Dioxide and he said it was not hospital policy
I had the scan with no problem, it wss a doddle
Just before Christmas a letter landed on the mat saying there was a polyp that needed removal. Christmas was cancelled while I worried about the up coming event.
7th July I stopped eating, 8th I started a Spanish inquisition type of self administered hell to prepare me. (You don't want to know)
On the day I was held back in a queue slowly getting colder. Eventually I was taken to the room to see a man who should have had L plates on his back.
Again I withstood (this time) an hour while he fiddled around. The main consultant eventually arrived and started INSTRUCTING!! him on how to do it better. I made sure the consultant got my angry stare.
The nurse was great and even told this berk how to refocus the equipment. I looked at her and could see she was uncomfortable. When it was finished the nurse said I had done great to get through 4 (FOUR) removals without any sedation at all.
That night was painful I slept all of 1 or 2 hours. I could not get the air out
The next day I was so ill I just sat in a chair drinking fruit tea. Could not keep food down. The second night I used painkillers with Codine and slept till almost 9am the next day.
Then the real pain kicked in! What I had before was just a taster. Suddenly the right side of my bowel we getting shooting aching pains. My temperature was going up and down all day. That night, (The 3rd night) My temperature hit rock bottom and I retired to bed at 8pm with an electric over blanket on to keep me warm. I got 2 hours sleep. It was not my bowel it was my right kidney. In away I was pleased about this as if it had been my bowel it would probably have meant yet another bout of agony.
I have had kidney pain before so I recognise it well. No point in running off to hospital for that.
Now about an hour ago a pain started on the upper left of my colon where it turns. It's a sharp pain that kicks in each time I breath in.
According to surgeons on the net this happens when the person doing the scope is not experienced enough to take tight bends and bumps the scope too quickly right into the top of the descending colon.
In effect I have been butchered and for quite a while I am an invalid There will be an end to this but the will want to do it again
Well unless I get the right person for the job and Carbon Dioxide, they can get stuffed with their own torture devices.
Yes these things can be life saving but it's like having an arm cur off without
The skys are turning into that steady state grey, the temps are dropping with only a few hopes of reaching that comfort zone again before winter sets in.
I have been preparing for the onslaught of winter, Bought a Onesie based on a functional athletic look so I can answer the door to the postman in the sure knowledge that he will not smirk back at me. I need it because no matter what we have done our living room turns into a freezer zone at lower leg level.
Used some shopping vouchers I had to purchase 2 rather nice throws for our leather chairs.
I think they have a Christmassy look about them and exude warmness to me. Liz is not too fond but I bet if she is feeling chilly she will let me wrap her up in one.
Halloween is almost here, there will be no sweets for the kiddies this year. I am buying little chocolate rolls wrapped in scary packaging. I think there are too many sweets handed out now.
Our little Dimplex Latitude fire is already out.
and serves us well during chilly times at only 750 Watts we can set the thermal to a nice warm setting and forget about it. So far we have avoided using the central heating by using it when required. If we get to November without turning the Gas Guzzler on we will save a little.
Last winter we prepared our spare upstairs room as a night time retreat but hardly used it as the weather was milder than expected.
The low pressure Atlantic storms are getting set up to head our way, courtesy of America (thanks folks) One of them set to miss us will drag in a final warm spell of weather this weekend, then we will have to wait and see what winter brings us.
I hope There is no polar vortex for those in America this year, the last winter was a bit too much for many of you.
In an effort to reverse the every so slow creepy effects of ageing I was doing some of my usual exercises and noticed a reduction in my ability to even touch my toes with ease. I do not consider myself to be unfit and could probably still keep up with my son in a run, but I was a bit miffed at the fact that my flexibility was reducing.
So I embarked on some new exercises to that end.
Wishing I had not now. I thought it was my legs that needed the work but it turned out to be my back.
The soft tissues and or ligaments are now advising me in very definite ways that they were the protagonists in this drama.
No pain no gain? Leave it out!! I'm like an old man now.. Wait! I am an old man now, I keep forgetting
Each of us rises in the morning, we pull back the curtains of darkness eager to see what has been delivered to us. Each of us see's a different sky, experiences a different feeling. To some the wonders of the Sun and the blue canopy lifts the spirits. To others the Sun brings nothing but the thoughts of seeking the shadows.
Other's look out on a greyness blanketing all, expectation ebbs, the heart sinks, Why me? Some will ask, thinking of sunnier places. Other's will breath with satisfaction that the sun will not be bearing down upon them.
Some who gaze out on the rain will have the smile wiped from their faces, other's will will feel joy that the plants they love are being nurtured and that the air will be fresh again.
No matter which one of you happen to be, remember this. What you see is life, for only 10 miles above you the weather has gone and there is little but a faint memory of the wonders below, and in less than 300 miles you would be looking down from a nothingness at a wondrous place and thinking, I wish I was there.
The Universe has granted you with this wonderful planet. Please take care of it, learn about it's needs. Don't just think that by being human you have a right to do as you wish. The only thing that separates you from all other things is your ability to think. Now all of you stop thinking there should be more to life. Take care of each other and stop seeking riches, share the wealth that evolution has given us. Put aside ideals and live each day in a way that does not harm another in any way.
It really is that simple.
Go to sleep at night thinking, "I've given something back to the world and those around me."
They came in their thousands. The Sleepy hamlet Rutherford may have looked like an easy place to invade but the ants from nowhere were wrong. Very wrong.
At first the exploratory landings were small. Sneeky things hiding under a runner the occasional suicide run onto the heights of the clans Kitchen bench mountain.
They gave themselves away by their fruitless searching. (We had eaten the fruit).
The Clans battle hardened sentry spotted them easily and swooped like a great bird from above. Those ants never reported back to the bridgehead where the remaining front line attackers lay, unaware this was to be their last day.
The great plains of the kitchen were flooded with radio-genic poisons and all fell silent. All traces of what was ant was washed away yet again.
The next 24 hours were antless.The battle seemed won so easily this time. The hunters of the clan (me) did a thorough sweep of the kitchen lands. Every corner had eyes upon. They were gone.
The next day was glorious all the hamlet frolicked in the first true warmth of, what was hoped, the early signs of another good summer. Indeed it was early to have such brilliant sun and warmth, and it was said there were to be 2 more days of joy to come.
That night the ants sprung their evil cold blooded trap upon the kitchen lands.
Sentry Rutherford, the hero of the hamlet entered the kitchen fields and was set upon. Thousands upon thousands of the ants from nowhere set upon him.
Even he was shocked but valiantly he held his tongue for fear of rattling the other hamlet natives.
He threw himself into battle. it was difficult the odds were piled against him but he could not let the other know of the dire situation. They needed sleep and and awareness of the ants from nowhere would have cause havoc.
Luckily the other resident retired. The sentry deep in silent battle managed to utter, "I'll be a little while, don't worry about me."
He was left alone to his fate. It did not look good but he had to save the lands from the terror that could happen.
Dredging his mind for a plan of counter attack, he suddenly remembered an ancient fable about salt. It was true ants needed salt to live but like everything too much of a good thing and it's curtains.
The plains of kitchen were suddenly inundated and became the salt plains in seconds. Once this was backed up by the hamlets new weapon Domestos spray, the battles fortunes turned.
The ant lords signalled the retreat, As quickly as the battle had begun, it ended.
The sentry retired, his mind scarred by visions of the onslaught.
Tomorrow he would face the carnage. Somehow he slept but he arose over an hour early as quietly as possible he removed the battles dead, Nothing moved so for now things were safe again.
The mess was a task to clean up but the sentry stolidly worked to remove the blood and salt. At last the job was done and he sat taking a rest as he heard the approach of the other resident.
In she wafted floating towards him, the one he loved so much.
WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT NOISE THIS MORNING!
She mewed at him, STOP MUCKING ABOUT SO EARLY!
Sorry dear, The sentry replied too tired to be bothered, My mistake.
There are many hero's in this land, most of them battle on in silence, they gain satisfaction not from having laurels thrown but by knowing that their loved ones are safe.
The 2014 war is not over, not until the ants from nowhere become the ants from somewhere.
A stray thought wandered through his mind. These wars may never end, It may be necessary to move from this wonderful land. Turn away from all that had been built.
Drastic action indeed but he could not fight forever. A solution needed to be found.
Changable weather very much like me now. Very changeable. I thought the teens were a rough period, they were easy compared with the 50's Especially the last couple of them. Yes I know it's hard to believe that a man with my looks and charm can be approaching 60 but there you go I'm not vain and can admit that, like my friend Jack O'Neill
there comes a time when us tough have a go guys have to take a back seat and give the younger less good looking lads a slice of the cake. It's what i do.
Nope the wrinkle cream I have been stealing from Liz has at long last failed me.
I noticed that my belly was trying to beat my feet out on the door so I put myself onto a diet 4 weeks ago. Gone are the cakes, chocolate, crisps, (Chips I think you mixed up lot call them) Biscuit's (Cookies) and, sob the spicy chilly peanuts.
I was 12 st 11lbs at the start it seems I'm doomed to losing a lb a week as I have only lost 4.2lbs.
Still I am quite happy starving on my new foods, any "normal" meals I eat, I simply halve the portions. I allow myself one treat meal a week where I eat what I want. Strange thing is, in 4 weeks I have only used one. Luckily I only have yo lose a stone and a half to fall within the "safe zone" accorbing to my doctors but with a BMI of 27 I will opt to lose at least 2 stone. Being 10 stone sounds healthy to me, If I still have a gut I have to put it down to Genetics and my IBS (Innertube bloating syndrome). Had that since I stopped smoking 9 years ago to be healthier. I will add here that I feel no different to when I used to smoke and have had considerably more colds and flues sine that decision too.
Does your resistance to these minor ailments change in your 50's? I just have to get on a bus or train and I take a cold home with me
Why am I waffling you may be asking, Well it could be because I forgot what I was going to Write.
Ahh yes... Winter is over, the winds and the floods have returned to hell for a few months. People said it was a mild winter but my gas bill says not. It seems it makes no difference if the temp's are in the 20's, 30's or 40's (f), you still have to run as much heating. So I sought a cheaper supplier after being with British Gas all my married life. Then they come to me and offered a lower price. I had to say to them, Too late mate, If you cannot reward faithful customers you don't deserve them.
I am not in favour of the free market, Prices always go up not down in the long run and the companies produce so many confusing deals you need a University degree to understand them.
Big companies get into bed with other big companies the buy each other out, the competition melts and the prices rise to pay for the buy-outs. Even Nasty American companies attack poorer British ones (I shall say no more.) Yes I will. Productive companies disappear and more debt is added to the world pit of shit! Capitalism is perverted. Banks NEVER get the message. People go to higher education to get the jobs to make a bigger buck, self, self, self yada yada. The pot becomes divided more and more unequally as the decades go by.
I look upon the world with dismay. Everything is going in the wrong direction. When we try to steer it the right way the wheel is turned and twisted. Look at the Russians. Instead of joining in they are set on reversing the trend and new walls will be built soon. How do they see us (Europe) as enemies, we have even become reliant on them to some extent. That will cote us in the ass soon.
I have found that it is possible to live perfectly well on next to nothing, yes as you get older your expectations and desires seem to reduce with the number of years you have left. Of course I am seeing things from my point of view.
It took a simple decision to say "right we are not going abroad anymore." There are many places in our own country to visit ans re-visit. True the sun may not shine as much but to me that is a bonus.... Even the sun is worse for you now, admit it. Look at the increase in the SFP's and the terrible increase in price of them.
Even the number of countries we can really safely visit is going down, People so intent on destroying what they have for old fashioned ideas or to impose hateful nasty ways upon others, who would have guessed those few plane hijackers so long ago would develop into the evil religious fanatics that want to make everyone's lives a misery. So until they attempt to do the same here in my home I will make the most of the relative peace. The spread of Islam is the final threat to this world. Their people are stirred up to violence far too easily just at the mention of a name in the wrong fashion - Madness utter madness.
I am sick of the preaching we get to be understanding, to be open an fair minded.
Why turn the other cheek when you know it will be slapped.
When I was 6 years old there were fewer than 50 thousand muslims in Britain, there are now almost 3 million. They keep pushing to change our laws to suit them, why? Why come to a country with obvious differences then complain of the ways of the founding population. It took hundreds of years to create our democracy. These people with their religion are not capable of living under such a free system, so they seek to change us, Madness, utter madness.
Integration! our politics demands it, they will not integrate, they cannot, not without changing something and their holy books will not allow ANY change. It really is as simple as that. They expect us to change end of story.
There I have said it. Think about it, while you still are allowed to.
As you get older things become more black and white.
I have never in my mmmphff mmphhff years seen anything like this. Since December 2013 to this very day the storms and rain has beaten and bashed our proud lands. I live in the North so have been one of the lucky few that can breath a sigh of relief and be glad for our high ground.
This said, there are over 6000 houses sitting under water now. More storms to come. Some of these people will not get back in their homes this year. This country is in trouble. We need Billions nor millions to avoid this in future yet we sent all our spare cash to flood victims in other lands. Well meaning that may be, it is now impracticable. We need to look after our own first.
This is the way of the world now. We need to redesign our way of living, build defences.
When I look at the pictures I wonder if this is what our ancestors saw when the land bridge between Britain and the continent started to disappear. They would have been forced from their farmland or hunting grounds. I think this is the beginning of a great change. I may not see it but I will probably see much more misery leading up to it. Here is the proof in pictures.
Sunny chilly damp and mid winter'y feeling today. We have been VERY lucky in the NE of England. So far avoiding all of the weather extremes.
I suppose I would be sounding rather more despondent if I were still having to trudge to work each day - but I don't, so I'm not.
A slight adaptation to the song comes to mind. #Every day I'm doing less & less. oy, oy, oy.#
Just paid the first winter heating bill and it did not hurt too much. Only £20 more than the same period last year which is not bad considering THE THIEVING MONEY GRABBING SUPPLIERS PRICE HIKES!! ehem
My mother seems to have stabilised for now, her memory has not got any worse over the past few months, so that's another plus. She is becoming progressively flat bound though. She fear going out and it all boils down to her not remembering how to behave when out.
We take simple things like using cash machines, knowing the key to your door, and even remembering why we left the house in the first place for granted. The few times I have persuaded her to venture beyond the entrance to the lift. (She keeps turning back.) I have found her ability to cope with even just shopping for a few items at the local shop is almost beyond her.
She is 89 this year and if I get that far it will be a small miracle, but I would not want to reach that state of mind so Mr Death is permitted to pay me a visit a little earlier if needed
Ahh death. Scary stuff. I have no faith, so to my mind death is just the end. The electro chemical reactions in the brain run out of juice, the small white dot appears and then....... Well I won't know because I will be gone.
All of the weird and wonderful, (Chaotic in my case), Neuron connections I have created in the years of my life will have been for nothing. Like a light bulb that glows and gives service to the few around it then suddenly pops and darkness falls, that is life. One second it has meaning, the next it does not. Although it is missed by the others that were sharing the light. They have to get on with things and use another bulb to provide some light for them. So it goes on and on. Eventually the bulb that was you is forgotten.
Morbid? Not to me. It is the way of things. It is all there is, all that ever has been and all that always will be.
So I shall try to leave a little something of me behind.
I have always written short stories, bits of fun that MY mind creates. I do not share them, I write them throw away the rubbish and keep the bits I like.
Strangely I found that a few of then seemed to fit together, even though they were written years part. I studied them and found that it is possible to make a trilogy with them. It is taking some re-writing and I need to breath life into the characters, but I think I will complete the 3 novels and leave these as my little bit of me for as long as they exist.
If you do not like Sci-Fi you will be disappointed, come to think of it you may be anyway
There is also the beginnings of a 4th book which is of a different nature sitting on the clouds awaiting my attention I wrote it a few years ago when I saw the onset of my years and it occurred to me that things could be quite different in a hundred years time. It has the flavour of "1984" but is about a society so obsessed with age that it has split in two. The people living at opposite ends of the scale live under very different conditions and those approaching the dividing line live in fear of the enforced change, for the younger inhabit the daylight and the older are consigned to the night, to live on the most meagre of resources, having had all that was once theirs taken from them. The central character finds himself the focus of the fight for better things.
There you go, now you know my dark secret I may even tell you a little about the trilogy some time.